Le bien et le mal

Well, good things first. It was 21 years ago today my son Brendan was born.
I thought i'd share that night, from memories.

It was the days before I had a cell phone. On the Saturday night I went out with my ex's brother for some beers. The child wasn't due to be born for a couple of days, it was a Saturday, but I said I would check in.

We went out, I think it was to the Sidetrack for some Blues. I called home when we left there, nothing. We then went to another bar, and then a restaurant. It was early Sunday morning, I called again and was informed Mary was in the hospital. I dropped the brother and law off and headed to the hospital.

When I got to the hospital I found her. She was still in a room. The contractions were still paced far apart. The nurse measured and everything was fine, she said it would be a while yet. Famous last words. It was like Mary was waiting for me to show up, suddenly the contractions became stronger and closer together. I remembered a Bill Cosby comedy sketch basically with a lot of 'You did this to me!' screams by his wife during labour. I held her hand helped with the counting.

Soon we were moved to a delivery room. I went too. It was surreal in there, it just was. I did what father's get to do these days. Anyway, he came out pretty fast. I didn't know it was a 'he' before he came out. After he was out, they said congrats you have a son. My first words were 'Hey Brendan' We had picked the names about a month before. Brendan if it was a boy and Kaitlin if it were a girl. There is a story behind this, later. Kaitlin was the most popular girls name that year.

The nurse assigned to me checked me a couple of times and asked if I was ok. I was, no urge to faint here. I wasn't grossed out, it was just a thing.

After Brendan was out, they wrapped him up tight and told me to go with him for the inventory. They said you don't want to see what we are going to do.

I went to the room with all the babies in it. he was in a glass box. They unwrapped him, counted everything and pronounced him healthy. I helped clean him up.

I was with Brendan for a good hour and a half. When we were finished, they led me back to the room where Mary was. She was drugged, but she was a bit pissed off. She asked where we were. I can see her point, she did all the work and got to see Brendan for all of 30 seconds, and she couldn't even hold him.

The nurse gave him to me, I said 'Really?' Until now I had no indication that they were ever going to give him to me. I laid him down next to Mary. She was all smiles. He didn't cry that much, but he was hungry. Like a duck to water, he knew where the food was.

This weekend I have a Hazardous Materials course in a town 3 hours South of Vegreville. Brendan normally hangs out with his friends on Friday night and it being his birthday, I expected it to be the same. So I took Friday off work, so I could come in Thursday night and hang out with him.

Of course I did this without consulting with him. I tried to get a hold of him all week, to no avail. Finally Thursday he tells me he has to work at 6 am on Friday, so he didn't want to do anything on Thursday night. He said he was off at 13:00. So I said I would come in for after his shift.

There are five of us going on the course. Three of us have bikes and the other two guys were going in a van. Originally I thought they were going in a small car. I was trying to figure out all week how I was going to get full bunker gear and SCBA (the air tank and mask) to Provost on a bike. I could wear the bunker gear, except the boots, shifting would be impossible. I could also have the air tank on my back, that would be a picture! So the boots would have to go in a car, as I couldn't use a knapsack. I was working on this all week, then one of the guys driving said he had a mini-van he could use.

The weather had changed during the week, it looked like it was going to rain on Friday at the time we were going to leave. The other two bikers backed out and said they would go in van. I was still riding - said something about fair weather and riders, which led to jokes.

So I planned to come to the city, hang with Brendan, see the Avengers movie and then go back home, get bike and head to Provost. The weather changed again, so the boys said they were going. They were leaving at five. This screwed up the movie plans.

I headed into city, made good time, parked outside the workplace for my son and texted him.

Turns out he either didn't go to work today or got off early. He wasn't sure I was coming, so he didn't tell me. He was about 20kms from me, I think he had made other plans. I wished him Happy Birthday. I had told him about my schedule for the next two weeks and not being able to celebrate with him. To quote Harry Chapin 'he said that's ok Dad, that's ok.'

A mini rant, he has had a cell phone for over three years. He never contacts me, so I am always out of the loop. I am sure his mother knows what is going on most of the time - as he gets her to drive him everywhere.

But in the bigger scheme of things, this is my life. I spend most of my time alone. I am really getting tired of it. I volunteer to meet people, I join committees and volunteer at charities. The net sum is zero. I am the guy that is not invited to parties or even asked out for celebratory occasions.

I am reading a book, it is terribly written but it does deal with a character that is sort of like me. He was so into his work, he was not approachable. It turned out he was in the closet and he was wearing it on his face. I thought that coming out would make a difference, it hasn't. I do laugh a lot more and mock, but mostly it is mocking myself. I have tried to meet people to date, crashed and burned. I seem to attract people that are not free to date, even though they say they are. Why do guys lie? I basically live for the weekend and riding. The Fire Department wants to take up more weekends with courses. I guess I could dive right in and take them all. But that would just address one issue of my life.

That is where I am at. I really don't know where to go. What's worse, on a group i belong to a member posted a video about gay seniors - it looks like it doesn't get any better. The old age homes try to religion you up and get you back in the closet. At 56 that is a scary thought.

One good thing, I have some ideas
for stories, thanks to Nick, I will be writing in my down time in Provost.

Later, have to head back to get the bike, pack it up and ride.